Last night the nocturnal activities returned. Nights had been quiet by comparison for a few weeks while I continued with my evening routine. I have read so many books in these past few months, more than I had ever read in my life!
Over the past few weeks there has been a few occurrences of sleep talking but no walking. And then last night it happened, again.
As with all occurrences, I am unsure as to at what point my conscious kicks in. The line between my conscious and unconscious world is hazy.
Last night I was certain that somebody was in the flat apart from my partner and I. I must have been disturbed around 3 or 4 times. I was certain due to the panic I felt and I had a voice in my head telling me that someone had broken in.
On every occasion I woke up in bed with the fear that someone was in the flat. Sometimes I had a voice telling me to go find the intruder. I cant recall the voice, was it mine? My partners? Another persons voice? I don’t know. It could be my voice. It’s unlikely to be my partners (she doesn’t sleep talk as such). Another person, extremely doubtful. So it must be my subconscious.
Upon waking on one occasion, I would conduct a search of the flat. Turning all the lights on and searching for anything unusual. This act was conducted in a panicked but conscious state. When I had completed my search I returned to bed to questions from my partner as to what I was doing. I told her I was looking for someone based on the fact that she had told me someone was in the flat. At the time, that was my reality, that was what I thought had happened. I since realise that I was confusing my subconscious voice for my partners.
Another occasion I woke and sat up in bed a lay still waiting to hear any noises or signs of movement. My partner woke and again asked what I was doing. I replied sharply that i was waiting to hear any noises.
Another occasion I woke up and held the bedroom door closed to protect my partner and I. Again my partner woke to ask what I was doing. I replied quiet angrily that I was keeping the intruder out.
On every occasion, my partner would be disturbed and would ask me what I was doing. I would reply in an abrupt manner explaining that I was doing exactly what she had asked. In my mind I was still trying to understand who it was that told me to find the intruder.
Confused, panicked and trying to make sense of things, my replies to my partner were erratic and heated. I thought I was doing right, being a good person by protecting us both, searching for any signs of an intruder.
It appears that my actions, conscious and subconscious are putting a serious strain on my relationship. I cannot express how frustrating it is when you feel a memory or incident is true and factual to be told that you were wrong.
Having a evening routine in place has helped to alleviate the regularity of the occurrences but it hasn’t eradicated them completely.
Just when I thought I was beginning to get a handle on things, an occurrence pops up to destroy any such progress I thought i may have been making. My evening routine is not a long term fix, it’s a coping mechanism to try mask the issue in the short term.
As for the long term, an appointment with a sleep specialist has been arranged and I am hoping to get some scientific answers as to what my brain is doing whilst I sleep.
Sleep Diary 