Last night, my nightime activity consisted of attempting to find a small white plastic part. A part that had missing for a long time.

My dream state told me to search for this missing part along the skirting board around the bedroom.

I searched for what felt like 10 or 15 minutes until my partner asked me what I was doing. This verbal prompt snapped me out of my dream state and brought me into my gray haze state as I call it. I replied to Emily to explain what I was searching for. I remember the reply but I can’t tell if I dreamt it or if I actually said those words.

I was on my hands and knees on the bedroom floor running my hands along the skirting board and under the bedroom door. Emily tells me that she saw me lay flat on the floor.

Last night the nocturnal activities returned. Nights had been quiet by comparison for a few weeks while I continued with my evening routine. I have read so many books in these past few months, more than I had ever read in my life!

Over the past few weeks there has been a few occurrences of sleep talking but no walking. And then last night it happened, again.

As with all occurrences, I am unsure as to at what point my conscious kicks in. The line between my conscious and unconscious world is hazy.

Last night I was certain that somebody was in the flat apart from my partner and I. I must have been disturbed around 3 or 4 times. I was certain due to the panic I felt and I had a voice in my head telling me that someone had broken in.

On every occasion I woke up in bed with the fear that someone was in the flat. Sometimes I had a voice telling me to go find the intruder. I cant recall the voice, was it mine? My partners? Another persons voice? I don’t know. It could be my voice. It’s unlikely to be my partners (she doesn’t sleep talk as such). Another person, extremely doubtful. So it must be my subconscious.

Upon waking on one occasion, I would conduct a search of the flat. Turning all the lights on and searching for anything unusual. This act was conducted in a panicked but conscious state. When I had completed my search I returned to bed to questions from my partner as to what I was doing. I told her I was looking for someone based on the fact that she had told me someone was in the flat. At the time, that was my reality, that was what I thought had happened. I since realise that I was confusing my subconscious voice for my partners.

Another occasion I woke and sat up in bed a lay still waiting to hear any noises or signs of movement. My partner woke and again asked what I was doing. I replied sharply that i was waiting to hear any noises.

Another occasion I woke up and held the bedroom door closed to protect my partner and I. Again my partner woke to ask what I was doing. I replied quiet angrily that I was keeping the intruder out.

On every occasion, my partner would be disturbed and would ask me what I was doing. I would reply in an abrupt manner explaining that I was doing exactly what she had asked. In my mind I was still trying to understand who it was that told me to find the intruder.

Confused, panicked and trying to make sense of things, my replies to my partner were erratic and heated. I thought I was doing right, being a good person by protecting us both, searching for any signs of an intruder.

It appears that my actions, conscious and subconscious are putting a serious strain on my relationship. I cannot express how frustrating it is when you feel a memory or incident is true and factual to be told that you were wrong.

Having a evening routine in place has helped to alleviate the regularity of the occurrences but it hasn’t eradicated them completely.

Just when I thought I was beginning to get a handle on things, an occurrence pops up to destroy any such progress I thought i may have been making. My evening routine is not a long term fix, it’s a coping mechanism to try mask the issue in the short term.

As for the long term, an appointment with a sleep specialist has been arranged and I am hoping to get some scientific answers as to what my brain is doing whilst I sleep.

So it has been a while since any nocturnal occurrence took place. Apart from the standard snoring, I have not been made aware of any sleep talking or walking. Neither have I had any kind of dream that I can recall.

This, I feel, is down to the strict routine I have created for myself. No food or drink (except water) after 8pm. Shower at 9pm, read a book in bed for 1hr and then drift off to sleep. This routine has paved the way for a peaceful sleep. My fear is that this routine is merely masking the issues that lay in my dream world and my sub conscious.

So last night, I had a larger shandy at 9pm, I had a cup of tea at 10pm, I did not read my book, I was playing a computer game until 10.30pm when I showered and hopped into bed.

Then the night terrors began. I had a reoccurring dream. A dream that would end with me waking short of breath and panicked. The dream was very blurry and as in the past, hard to distinguish as a dream. This dream woke me 4 times before I decided to move to the spare room.

The decision to move to the spare room was purely based on the thought that I did not want to wake my partner. I was ashamed that I had let slip my evening routine and was now paying the consequences. I was also worried and nervous that my partner would be affected by my night terrors. This reaffirms my idea that my routine merely masks the issues at hand.

Once in the spare room, I had a further 2 occurrences of this repeated night terror. Finally I woke 10 minutes before my alarm was set to go off.

I am not going to let the routine slip again. But I don’t want to do this forever. I need answers to the issues and I am still searching

Last night and another occurrence. This one may seem like it was minor in comparison to previous nights but let me explain.

I spent my second night in the spare room. While I did not leave the bedroom and my partner had a undisturbed sleep, the night was not a complete success.

Before bed I set aside a good hour to read in bed to help unwind. Anyone that knows me knows I dont read books. The words are just too flat and lack the creative impetus to have a meaningful impact on me. But I endeavoured to give this a shot.

And it worked, my eyes were heavy and ready to close after an hour or so of reading. The night was off to a good start!

Then it happened. The room filled with a red light. Like in most cultures, red lights are a warning so naturally I was instantly on alert. Like the lights from a siren, every wall was covered with this vivid light and in my sleep state, I shot up out of bed.

I gained full consciousness stood in the bedroom near the door, bed sheets wrapped around me. As I realise that there is no red light, I notice that my heart is pounding in my chest and I am short of breathe. I check my phone for the time. 1:48am.

This dream or vision was so intense that it heightened my senses dramatically. But strangely enough, once I realised that the red lights must have been from a dream, I promptly returned to bed and after a couple of deep breaths, drifted off to sleep. As if nothing had happened just a few short minutes ago, I was again asleep.

I slept through to the morning until my alarm woke me. I saw my partner and was dreading the reply to my question “how did you sleep”. Fearing that I may have had a sleep walking episode I was unaware of, I was relieved to hear that I had not disturbed her during the night. A sense of relief and a small sign of progress.

On one hand, a successful night. But personally, the search for a uneventful night goes on.

Until next time…

Last night I was on a subconscious mission. A mission to find colour coded clothes hangers.

Last night was the first night that I decided to give both my partner and I the opportunity to get a solid and undisturbed nights sleep. I relocated to the spare room and had every intention of doing the right thing for both of us.

This did not go to plan.

I remember falling asleep around midnight after familiarising myself with the new sleeping location. My partner and I have recently moved home and this would be my first night in the spare room.

At around 1am, the subconscious mission began. When these occurrences happen, I am in an in-between state of consciousness. I remember having one mission, I had to find these hangers. The pressure to do so was immense, almost as if my life depended on it. These hangers arent called hangers in my mind, although they look like hangers but have different colours on the shoulder area of the hanger.

In the spare room we have a free standing wardrobe where most of my clothes are kept. I woke up at some point, looking inside of the wardrobe, searching for these hangers. I remember feeling frustrated that I couldn’t find them where they should be. Hangers must be in wardrobes right?

I returned to bed and fell back asleep.

Next time I woke, I remember searching for these hangers in the living room. At this time I remember searching but not actually leaving the room, again being in this in-between conscious state. I regained full consciousness stood in the middle of the living room and the feeling of frustration was there again. Where on earth could these hangers be? I need to find them. I had to.

Back to bed I go and drift back off to sleep.

At around 2am (according to my partner) I am again up and on the hunt for the hangers. This time I leave the spare bedroom and enter the main bedroom where my partner was sleeping. I remember feeling desperate and stressed because I still hadn’t found these hangers. I was failing my life threatening mission.

My partner was awoken by my entrance and asked what I was doing. I had the bed sheets wrapped around me and this obviously was extremely scary and unsettling for my partner.

This is where my in-between state is really hazy. I remember looking at the built in wardrobe and saying that I needed to find these hangers and they must be in the wardrobe.

My partner said something to me, something about the hangers not being in the wardrobe. Although my mission to find them was life threatening, I took my partners word for it. The hangers were not in the wardrobe. I did not look and left the room. Obviously at this stage my partner is terrified and is now on edge. My mind and feelings are full of the importance of finding these hangers. It felt like my life depended on it and I was failing.

I am now drifting between consciousness and a kind of sleep state. I remember walking to the living room to think about what the hell was going on. During this thinking process (literally seconds later) I must of drifted out of consciousness and into some kind of sleep state. From the bedroom (I assume) my partner asked where I was and if I was ok. I was “awoken” by this and I was stood in the middle of the living room and replied saying so.

This startled me and a kind of consciousness kicked in I guess. I felt frustrated at being woken up out of this sleep state but the mission of the hangers was still prominently at the fore front of my mind. Still wanting to make sense of what has just happened, I make my way to the sofa to sit down and try to piece it all together. Am I awake? Is this a dream? What are these hangers? Who has told me to find them? These questions come to me while I am this fluid state of consciousness and unconsciousness.

My partner came to the door of the living room and asked some questions. Am I ok, what are you doing etc. Again, I feel like I am “awoken” by these questions.

At this stage my mind is racing. I feel confused, frustrated and stressed at my failed attempts to find these hangers and also at the apparent multiple occasions that my partner has “woke” me up.

After consciousness kicks in on the sofa, I answer my partners questions. I apologise for waking her up and tell her to go back to bed. When I hear her head towards the bedroom I get up off the sofa and make my way back to the spare room.

Next thing I know its 10:30am and I am awake and fully conscious.

The whole occurrence is extremely hazy. Over the next few minutes I start to piece together what had happened and try to make sense of it all.

I learn that my partner had been awake most of the night, terrified by my actions and is questioning if she can stay in our new home any longer.

As the minutes go by, the gravity of the situation becomes apparent. The timeline of the hunt for the hangers felt like a few minutes in my world of conscious / sleep state. To my partner I know this had a much bigger effect

Even now, hours after the event I can still feel that pressure to find these colour coded hangers that arent hangers. I know these hangers dont exist. But that pressure is still there.

The question “what is real” is very much at the forefront of my mind today.

Until next time…

I am going to be using this space to keep a record and to be accountable for my sleep happenings.

Over the years I have performed all kinds of unconscious activity such as sleep walking and sleep talking. On top of being an excessive snorer, sharing a bed with me must be torture.

Some of the more notable occurrences include:

• Waking up on a hotel balcony around 9 stories up
• Waking up stood on my bed holding the light fixture believing that the roof was leaking
• Waking up outside my bedroom with the duvet wrapped around me
• Waking up, stood up with my head against the wall trying to look behind the wardrobe
• Waking up, stood up looking up at the top of the curtains

Some of the above have happened several times. Some are one offs. These occurrences have happened my whole life. As a child I would sleep walk into the living room and just stand there looking at my parents before being escorted back to bed.

I have traveled the world and have had occurrences wherever I have been. Even whilst in the Amazon jungle, I was sleeping on the top bunk where I awoke on the edge of the bunk and only my mosquito net brushing my face woke me up.

The frequency of these occurrences has always been rare to be honest. Maybe once every few months. But recently they have been happening on a almost daily basis. This has prompted me to start detailing these occurrences from what I remember plus what my partner experiences also.

Initially my sleep occurrences seem to be a novelty when getting into a new relationship. But that soon wears off when a lack of sleep starts to effect us both and our relationship.

I am in the process of seeking medical advice as recently there has been one occurrence of violence in my sleep. Now I am in a situation where my partner feels unsafe in our new home.

I have no idea how this blog will go but let’s see what happens.