Last night I was on a subconscious mission. A mission to find colour coded clothes hangers.
Last night was the first night that I decided to give both my partner and I the opportunity to get a solid and undisturbed nights sleep. I relocated to the spare room and had every intention of doing the right thing for both of us.
This did not go to plan.
I remember falling asleep around midnight after familiarising myself with the new sleeping location. My partner and I have recently moved home and this would be my first night in the spare room.
At around 1am, the subconscious mission began. When these occurrences happen, I am in an in-between state of consciousness. I remember having one mission, I had to find these hangers. The pressure to do so was immense, almost as if my life depended on it. These hangers arent called hangers in my mind, although they look like hangers but have different colours on the shoulder area of the hanger.
In the spare room we have a free standing wardrobe where most of my clothes are kept. I woke up at some point, looking inside of the wardrobe, searching for these hangers. I remember feeling frustrated that I couldn’t find them where they should be. Hangers must be in wardrobes right?
I returned to bed and fell back asleep.
Next time I woke, I remember searching for these hangers in the living room. At this time I remember searching but not actually leaving the room, again being in this in-between conscious state. I regained full consciousness stood in the middle of the living room and the feeling of frustration was there again. Where on earth could these hangers be? I need to find them. I had to.
Back to bed I go and drift back off to sleep.
At around 2am (according to my partner) I am again up and on the hunt for the hangers. This time I leave the spare bedroom and enter the main bedroom where my partner was sleeping. I remember feeling desperate and stressed because I still hadn’t found these hangers. I was failing my life threatening mission.
My partner was awoken by my entrance and asked what I was doing. I had the bed sheets wrapped around me and this obviously was extremely scary and unsettling for my partner.
This is where my in-between state is really hazy. I remember looking at the built in wardrobe and saying that I needed to find these hangers and they must be in the wardrobe.
My partner said something to me, something about the hangers not being in the wardrobe. Although my mission to find them was life threatening, I took my partners word for it. The hangers were not in the wardrobe. I did not look and left the room. Obviously at this stage my partner is terrified and is now on edge. My mind and feelings are full of the importance of finding these hangers. It felt like my life depended on it and I was failing.
I am now drifting between consciousness and a kind of sleep state. I remember walking to the living room to think about what the hell was going on. During this thinking process (literally seconds later) I must of drifted out of consciousness and into some kind of sleep state. From the bedroom (I assume) my partner asked where I was and if I was ok. I was “awoken” by this and I was stood in the middle of the living room and replied saying so.
This startled me and a kind of consciousness kicked in I guess. I felt frustrated at being woken up out of this sleep state but the mission of the hangers was still prominently at the fore front of my mind. Still wanting to make sense of what has just happened, I make my way to the sofa to sit down and try to piece it all together. Am I awake? Is this a dream? What are these hangers? Who has told me to find them? These questions come to me while I am this fluid state of consciousness and unconsciousness.
My partner came to the door of the living room and asked some questions. Am I ok, what are you doing etc. Again, I feel like I am “awoken” by these questions.
At this stage my mind is racing. I feel confused, frustrated and stressed at my failed attempts to find these hangers and also at the apparent multiple occasions that my partner has “woke” me up.
After consciousness kicks in on the sofa, I answer my partners questions. I apologise for waking her up and tell her to go back to bed. When I hear her head towards the bedroom I get up off the sofa and make my way back to the spare room.
Next thing I know its 10:30am and I am awake and fully conscious.
The whole occurrence is extremely hazy. Over the next few minutes I start to piece together what had happened and try to make sense of it all.
I learn that my partner had been awake most of the night, terrified by my actions and is questioning if she can stay in our new home any longer.
As the minutes go by, the gravity of the situation becomes apparent. The timeline of the hunt for the hangers felt like a few minutes in my world of conscious / sleep state. To my partner I know this had a much bigger effect
Even now, hours after the event I can still feel that pressure to find these colour coded hangers that arent hangers. I know these hangers dont exist. But that pressure is still there.
The question “what is real” is very much at the forefront of my mind today.
Until next time…
Sleep Diary 